Guilt... all day err day, even on Saturday.
Teaching and being a mom requires a large amount of sacrifices. Well actually doing anything and being a mom requires sacrifices, I can only speak to my experience.
I had a lot of guilt after Colin was born. It wasn't the guilt I thought I would feel though. I felt guilty because I didn't feel guilty about going back to work (does that make sense? It makes sense in my head...). I was surrounded by friends and family who constantly asked me "how I was feeling about going back to work" and "how I was doing" with that sad look on their faces.... like I was expected to become a whole new being all of a sudden. It felt like everything I had worked 30 years for didn't matter anymore. I was being reduced to a delicate woman who couldn't possibly want anything other than staying home with my baby.
Now, if you knew me during the time right after Colin's birth (which is a whole other post and topic that Colleen will be brave enough to post for me someday) then you know that it was a tough transition for me. Now that I have some distance from it, I know that I was dealing with my own transition from "Amy" to "Mommy". I had to learn how still be fun Amy, and also be Mommy....
One thing that helped was going back to work. I needed it. I looked forward to it (ok I dreaded going back, but only because it's always scary starting over!)
I missed Colin so much, and his own transition to daycare was pretty terrible (like Miss Independent almost quit her job terrible), but I needed to be me and fuel my energies into my job... a job that I chose and worked really hard to get. I needed to do that so that I could be the best Mommy.... YES I felt guilt, but it was different that I expected.
Alllllll of this said, today the Super Duper Awesome Mom Guilt that I was waiting for hit me hard. It's Saturday.... and I spent the entire morning at school.
(click "Read More" below to continue!)
The school I teach at offers a program called Saturday Academy where student's who lost a credit, due to absences ONLY (not grades) and can earn back their credit by attending five Saturday Academy classes. It's like The Breakfast Club, but we actually do stuff. :) I have been teaching Saturday Academy since it's inception, missing only a the two sessions last year when I had Colin. It was unclear if it would run this year and I was totally unprepared for the "Still want to do S.A. email last week".... I was so unprepared that I emailed my principal back withing 30 seconds with a resounding "YES"!
The students who attend Saturday Academy are students who don't always have the best relationship with the school. They aren't always the most motivated to get to school on-time because they don't have a reason to...... Learning is motivating enough ... even seeing their friends isn't motivating enough anymore... Why would it be when you can text your friends 24/7. I always love the group of students I end up with. We become like a little family. I look forward to hearing about their weeks, seeing what motivated them to get to school and get to Saturday school... I love getting to know student's who start off saying they have no connections to the school and at the end of our session, they have a whole group of peers that they have a connection with. It sounds like a movie... I even almost just erased this paragraph because I realized how mystical it sounds.... but it's true.
This morning, was the first day of the Fall Session of Saturday Academy. I woke up early with Colin (he must have known Mommy was leaving) and we got in a full hour of playtime before I had to leave. I think he was being extra cute, extra loving, extra happy, to see if I would stay home with him. When it was time to walk out the door it was today that I felt the stone in the pit of my stomach.... the knot in my chest....guilt.
Everyday I leave is hard, but today should have been easier. Colin was going to get some solid Daddy time (without mom butting in and making them clean up their messes).... but all I could feel was dread. What if he said a new word, what if they went on a walk and met a new friend (highly unlikely since there's a hurricane, but STILL), what if he NOTICED I was gone...... ughhh... I love my job, I love THIS part of my job, I love that these students this session are many of my former students and many of whom I (like Colleen talked about yesterday) love as if they were my own; students I think about and worry about in the middle of the night.... Why was today so hard... probably because today is Saturday.
I had a lot of guilt after Colin was born. It wasn't the guilt I thought I would feel though. I felt guilty because I didn't feel guilty about going back to work (does that make sense? It makes sense in my head...). I was surrounded by friends and family who constantly asked me "how I was feeling about going back to work" and "how I was doing" with that sad look on their faces.... like I was expected to become a whole new being all of a sudden. It felt like everything I had worked 30 years for didn't matter anymore. I was being reduced to a delicate woman who couldn't possibly want anything other than staying home with my baby.
Now, if you knew me during the time right after Colin's birth (which is a whole other post and topic that Colleen will be brave enough to post for me someday) then you know that it was a tough transition for me. Now that I have some distance from it, I know that I was dealing with my own transition from "Amy" to "Mommy". I had to learn how still be fun Amy, and also be Mommy....
One thing that helped was going back to work. I needed it. I looked forward to it (ok I dreaded going back, but only because it's always scary starting over!)
I missed Colin so much, and his own transition to daycare was pretty terrible (like Miss Independent almost quit her job terrible), but I needed to be me and fuel my energies into my job... a job that I chose and worked really hard to get. I needed to do that so that I could be the best Mommy.... YES I felt guilt, but it was different that I expected.
Alllllll of this said, today the Super Duper Awesome Mom Guilt that I was waiting for hit me hard. It's Saturday.... and I spent the entire morning at school.
(click "Read More" below to continue!)
The school I teach at offers a program called Saturday Academy where student's who lost a credit, due to absences ONLY (not grades) and can earn back their credit by attending five Saturday Academy classes. It's like The Breakfast Club, but we actually do stuff. :) I have been teaching Saturday Academy since it's inception, missing only a the two sessions last year when I had Colin. It was unclear if it would run this year and I was totally unprepared for the "Still want to do S.A. email last week".... I was so unprepared that I emailed my principal back withing 30 seconds with a resounding "YES"!
The students who attend Saturday Academy are students who don't always have the best relationship with the school. They aren't always the most motivated to get to school on-time because they don't have a reason to...... Learning is motivating enough ... even seeing their friends isn't motivating enough anymore... Why would it be when you can text your friends 24/7. I always love the group of students I end up with. We become like a little family. I look forward to hearing about their weeks, seeing what motivated them to get to school and get to Saturday school... I love getting to know student's who start off saying they have no connections to the school and at the end of our session, they have a whole group of peers that they have a connection with. It sounds like a movie... I even almost just erased this paragraph because I realized how mystical it sounds.... but it's true.
This morning, was the first day of the Fall Session of Saturday Academy. I woke up early with Colin (he must have known Mommy was leaving) and we got in a full hour of playtime before I had to leave. I think he was being extra cute, extra loving, extra happy, to see if I would stay home with him. When it was time to walk out the door it was today that I felt the stone in the pit of my stomach.... the knot in my chest....guilt.
Everyday I leave is hard, but today should have been easier. Colin was going to get some solid Daddy time (without mom butting in and making them clean up their messes).... but all I could feel was dread. What if he said a new word, what if they went on a walk and met a new friend (highly unlikely since there's a hurricane, but STILL), what if he NOTICED I was gone...... ughhh... I love my job, I love THIS part of my job, I love that these students this session are many of my former students and many of whom I (like Colleen talked about yesterday) love as if they were my own; students I think about and worry about in the middle of the night.... Why was today so hard... probably because today is Saturday.
Guilt is so difficult to grapple with as we try and fight it off all through motherhood. Most times having fun away from our children brings on other guilt ridden demons and then suddenly we find our our balance, our feng shui if you will. Then hindsight takes over. The if statements. Finally we realize all is ok with the world and our children are having fun without us. Now what's up with that? Love your posts. Love you more for being a wonderful mommy and wife...
ReplyDelete