Just Clothes.

Today, I cried.

That's not new.  Anyone who knows me, knows this about me.  If I'm too happy, I'm crying.  If I'm too sad, I'm crying. It was why I cried that threw me for a loop. 

I've had a few very happy phone calls over the last month.  With each phone call, I was crying.. Tears of pure joy.  I was crying with my head in the refrigerator (making Colin's lunch), I was crying giving Colin a bath, I was crying at Stop & Shop (in the cheese section).   My people -- the ones I care about the most -- are thriving! So then, when I heard there were new babies on the way, I was ecstatic!

I want to impart ALL my wisdom upon these new Momma's.  I want to tell them to start wearing maternity clothes immediately (because boy will they miss them).  I want to tell them to eat ice cream, and carry tums everywhere, and drink coffee if they want to, go to the beach (even if they DON'T want to).  I want to tell them to go to every single thing that someone invites them to, even if it seems weird to be there and be pregnant, even if they are 'tired'.  (haha  -- I laugh in the face of your exhaustion  -- The word tired doesn't even apply to the human race until you've gone through the first year of being a parent).    

But most of all, I wanted to give.

So today as I was cleaning out drawers and closets I stumbled upon THE drawer.  The one at the bottom of Brian's dresser where I stashed all of my maternity clothes. I grabbed without hesitation.  

Pants, Shorts, Dresses.... There's a solid pile of stuff!  I honestly didn't remember most of it until I held it in my hand.  Memories of 9 month carrying around Colin came rushing back..

I went through it all quickly, put it all in a box, and placed it ready to go.  

Then I moved on to my next task, except all of a sudden I realized I was crying.  It just happened.  

It wasn't gradual, it wasn't expected, there were just tears flowing.  

I was sad.  I had to stop what I was doing and think.  I realized in that moment that by giving away these clothes I was giving away a little bit of my future.  It seems silly to even write down, but wasn't I saving these clothes for a second pregnancy?  No -- not really.  I mean I didn't think I was, that's not even on my radar!  I thought I was saving them to do exactly this, give them to my friends so they had a few fall back maternity items...  Apparently my maternal clock had different ideas.  

In that moment of tears, those clothes represented a bother or sister Colin should have had by now, or should have soon.  Those clothes represented wants and hopes over stability and pragmatism.  I had to pull it together.  Those clothes, are JUST CLOTHES.  They represent nothing except how cool and stylish I want someone else to feel during the very hot summer months.

Those clothes represent easiness, family, and comfort, and now they represent all of that and MORE for someone else's future, and I can't wait to be a part of that!

                            (plus, as Colleen stated so beautifully to me, it doesn't have to feel SO final. 

                             I can always "borrow them back"!!)

P.S.  WARNING:  Next week, I have tasked myself to go through ALL of Colin's baby clothes and decide once and for all what I want to keep and what I'm going to donate.  I accept donations of love in all forms, but WINE is most appreciated.

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