Mom-Me
I wrote the below post on September 23, 2015. I wrote it, and never read it again. It's embarrassing and feels vapid (Instagram, really Amy??? ughhh) .... but It was the first post I ever wrote for the blog, and also one I never intended on sharing. It's really hard to tell the world, or even your best friend for that matter, that you are struggling. It's even harder to admit that when you are trying to start a Mommy Blog. I mean, honestly, truly, how dare I try and start a blog about trying to be a mom when I barely felt like I could get out of bed some days.
That first year, and first summer were H.A.R.D. The anxiety was overwhelming. You can literally see it in my face in every single picture.... (or at least I can....) Work was distracting, Pumping/Nursing was a daily (no HOURLY) struggle, and forget seeing my friends.... Once I was home, I was never leaving... The anxiety of being a Mom (toppled with EVERYTHING ELSE) was sometimes too much to handle... all while time felt as if it was standing still for the TWO SOLID YEARS that Colin refused to sleep (this is NOT an exaggeration).
It still is hard. But it's different hard. It's not all consuming, but that's because I finally said enough.
It took a stranger asking me "How are you?" for me to ask for help... and it's still taking a lot of work to fight through the urge to just cocoon myself in my home on my couch, but it's getting better.
-------------------------------
Colin will be THREE 😭in less than three months, and I still don't feel like I'm on the other side of it all -- but I also don't think there is a true "other side"... because I don't want to be the same person I was B.C. (Before Colin).
This is the new me.... the Mom-ME,
It all started when I uploaded a photo of Colin on the day we were leaving the hospital. I just thought that little stare of his said so much. He already had a major personality and I felt like he was trying to tell me so much!
But, I had a really rough transition into my new role. I was frustrated with how a lot of things played out when Colin was born (things that were inevitably out of my control) and even once he arrived, I felt like I didn't know who I was anymore. I have been "Fun Amy" my entire life... and here I was a puddle of tears and anxiety.
I was trying my hardest not to let that show. Everyone kept telling me how happy I should be, how I shouldn't worry about "this thing" or "that thing" and just focus on the baby! I wanted to scream.
I knew I had a lot to be happy for, but it was very difficult to sift through what felt like an actual layer of fog sitting on my brain to get to ME. I had to sort through all of the emotions of what felt like a very traumatic (but in hindsight was a HIGHLY stressful) birth experience and box up that anxiety. That fog is no joke you guys -- it's like all consuming! But that anxiety never really went away.
I needed a life raft... I had to grab on to something concrete, something I could easily manage, and so I grasped onto my #thoughtsfromcolin. This silly hashtag was what got me through some dayyyys.
It took 12 long months, almost an entire year, and I'm feeling like the fog is starting to clear... (is it the hormones finally leaving my body after I finnnnnalllyyy put the breast pump away? Maybe...)
So I sit here, swallowing my pride and my tears as I share this and realize that 365 days ago I was less of a person that I am now. Colin, and Brian, our families, Colleen, and anyone else who I texted or called or emailed, or tagged in a highly inappropriate 3am post, you all saved me on those days I couldn't bear to get out of the house or off the couch.
But Colin saved me the most because he taught me how to be a mommy...
That first year, and first summer were H.A.R.D. The anxiety was overwhelming. You can literally see it in my face in every single picture.... (or at least I can....) Work was distracting, Pumping/Nursing was a daily (no HOURLY) struggle, and forget seeing my friends.... Once I was home, I was never leaving... The anxiety of being a Mom (toppled with EVERYTHING ELSE) was sometimes too much to handle... all while time felt as if it was standing still for the TWO SOLID YEARS that Colin refused to sleep (this is NOT an exaggeration).
 |
| soooooo out of context... but it fits.... and Dorinda makes me LOL Like, I think she's my favorite Housewife! |
It took a stranger asking me "How are you?" for me to ask for help... and it's still taking a lot of work to fight through the urge to just cocoon myself in my home on my couch, but it's getting better.
-------------------------------
Colin will be THREE 😭in less than three months, and I still don't feel like I'm on the other side of it all -- but I also don't think there is a true "other side"... because I don't want to be the same person I was B.C. (Before Colin).
This is the new me.... the Mom-ME,
------------------------------ ORIGINAL POST-------------------------------
SEPTEMBER 23, 2015
Thoughts From Colin.
As many of you know, I've been blowing up Instagram the past year with the many #ThoughtsFromColin posts.
It all started when I uploaded a photo of Colin on the day we were leaving the hospital. I just thought that little stare of his said so much. He already had a major personality and I felt like he was trying to tell me so much!
But, I had a really rough transition into my new role. I was frustrated with how a lot of things played out when Colin was born (things that were inevitably out of my control) and even once he arrived, I felt like I didn't know who I was anymore. I have been "Fun Amy" my entire life... and here I was a puddle of tears and anxiety.
I was trying my hardest not to let that show. Everyone kept telling me how happy I should be, how I shouldn't worry about "this thing" or "that thing" and just focus on the baby! I wanted to scream.
I knew I had a lot to be happy for, but it was very difficult to sift through what felt like an actual layer of fog sitting on my brain to get to ME. I had to sort through all of the emotions of what felt like a very traumatic (but in hindsight was a HIGHLY stressful) birth experience and box up that anxiety. That fog is no joke you guys -- it's like all consuming! But that anxiety never really went away.
I needed a life raft... I had to grab on to something concrete, something I could easily manage, and so I grasped onto my #thoughtsfromcolin. This silly hashtag was what got me through some dayyyys.
It took 12 long months, almost an entire year, and I'm feeling like the fog is starting to clear... (is it the hormones finally leaving my body after I finnnnnalllyyy put the breast pump away? Maybe...)
So I sit here, swallowing my pride and my tears as I share this and realize that 365 days ago I was less of a person that I am now. Colin, and Brian, our families, Colleen, and anyone else who I texted or called or emailed, or tagged in a highly inappropriate 3am post, you all saved me on those days I couldn't bear to get out of the house or off the couch.
But Colin saved me the most because he taught me how to be a mommy...
Loved this since you wrote it! You are awesome and I have noticed a huge change in you!
ReplyDelete