What If?

Saying bye to summer with one more magical
beach night.

After 8 months of beautiful maternity leave, it was time for me to return to work.  Well, it might not have been when I felt it was time, but the school year started, Lucy was starting kindergarten and Jerry gave me a gentle, encouraging nudge...

In the weeks leading up, my nerves started to creep up.  I've done this twice already, cared, breastfed, snuggled, pacified and loved a baby until it was time to give them up for a few hours a day while I nurtured other people's kids.  I don't think it's natural and it's really hard - but at least I knew what to expect.

Yet, I have three now.  I have the baby I am still breastfeeding and changing and now I also have a "baby" who goes to a new school on a school bus.  Then there's John - my classic middle child who is equal parts rough & tumble and sweet & sensitive.

So I've been filled with a lot of "what if's"

Not the first day of outfit I chose for him.

1. What if I'm late to work?

2. What if I burn out in October?

3. What if the kids get sick?

4. What if Lucy doesn't like her new school?

5. What if Holly misses me?

6. What if I can't juggle all the balls?

7. What if I should've waited another 6 months to go back?

8. What if I can't figure out how to fit my workouts in?

9. What if I get sick?

10. What if going to back to work feels wrong?

There is a lot more.

The good news? I've already dealt with a few of these and I am only four weeks into work.  I've been late, I've been tired and turns out Lucy loves school but it's really scary to go on a bus and be away from home (and me) every day.  

Good thing I already knew I'd feel this way and I knew what to do.  I leaned on Jerry for support (cue tearful texts during the day).  I reached out to my sister to get some anti-anxiety strategies (thank God for sisters).  I made workouts a priority so that I would stay healthy.  If I forgot to reach out, I had Amy right beside me every day (through Snapchat, text and mail).  

Photo cred: Lucy

Turns out it feels ok being at work.  Teens are different than toddlers (in many ways) and they are pretty cool to spend time with.  I have missed my friends there and it feels great to be with adults.  They keep asking me "Miss where do you get your energy from?" Truthfully, I am almost always running on E, but it's my goal they never know that.

Holly has thrived without me.  WTF?

I know I'll struggle during the year, but I started off pretty well.  This is my new norm and my new norm is pretty fulfilling, or at the very least pretty full.